Skills for the Coming Apocalypse

I made some bread. It’s pretty good! And the recipe is goddamn easy.

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It’s got a really great crunchy crust, and nice spongy cakey middle. It came out a little over-salty, but I upped the salt in the recipe from 1.5 tsp to 2, because I’d read that people thought he original wasn’t salty enough. So, for your reference, 2 tsp is a little too much. I also used a smaller pot, like 4 qt, and that worked fine.

However, PROTIP: don’t forget to spray your pot with some kind of non-stick spray, or you will have to chisel the bread out of it. Like I did.

Edit: God, nytimes.com is douchebags. Here’s the recipe, if their site won’t let you have access to it:

3 cups bread flour
1 packet ( 1/4 ounce) instant yeast
1 1/2 teaspoons salt
Oil as needed.

1. Combine flour, yeast and salt in a large bowl. Add 1 1/2 cups water and stir until blended; dough will be shaggy. Cover bowl with plastic wrap. Let dough rest about 4 hours at warm room temperature, about 70 degrees.

2. Lightly oil a work surface and place dough on it; fold it over on itself once or twice. Cover loosely with plastic wrap and let rest 30 minutes more.

3. At least a half-hour before dough is ready, heat oven to 450 degrees. Put a 6-to-8-quart heavy covered pot (cast iron, enamel, Pyrex or ceramic) in oven as it heats. When dough is ready, carefully remove pot from oven. Slide your hand under dough and put it into pot, seam side up. Shake pan once or twice if dough is unevenly distributed; it will straighten out as it bakes.

4. Cover with lid and bake 30 minutes, then remove lid and bake another 15 to 30 minutes, until loaf is beautifully browned. Cool on a rack.

Yield: 1 big loaf.

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Filbert’s Old Time Quality Grape, natural magnets.

Smells: vaguely grapity.

Tastes: vaguely grapity. Or, if I was in a more sarcastic mood: grape-tinged dishwater. Seriously, I expected a lot more grape out of that barrel of grape on the label. I expected to be hit in the face with a sock full of grape. A blackjack right to the forehead, filled with grapes. A grapejack. “WOO!” I was prepared to say, “This Filbert’s Old Time Quality Grape Soda is motherfuckin’ flavorful! There’s some goddamn grape flavor in this grape soda! Fuckin-A!”

But no. No, it was not to be.

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Fentimans Victorian Lemonade. Or, to continue the joke from last time, Fentimans est. 1905 Botanically Brewed Traditional Victorian Lemonade Not More Than 0.5% Alcohol By Volume Fermented Botanical Lemon Drink with Ginger and Herbal Extracts 275 ml. Sounds delicious, doesn’t it? …Wait, this has alcohol in it? That’s surprising. Okay, well, half a percent. It’s 1 proof. Still!

Oh, and Wall-E.

Smells: Like someone peed in my lemonade. There’s a picture of a grinning dog on the upper label. Maybe he did it.

Tastes: Sour. Surprisingly sour. A little bit herbal. Extremely sour. Nearly as sour as those candies that say “SOUR” prominently on the label because that’s all they’ve got to offer but by George, they’re offering a lot of it. Not quite that sour, but very sour.

It’s not bad… pretty decent. But it’s a bit overpowering. You can’t really do anything else when you’re drinking it, because it shocks you out of whatever it was. “HEY!” it says. “You’re drinking something VERY SOUR! Don’t forget!”

Don’t worry, Fentimans Victorian Lemonade. I won’t forget.