Two! Two! Two updates in one!
Here you can see current status of Sinistar. He’s coming along! He looks much better since I went to the craft store and bought a bunch of new skeins of thread and agonized for hours over which ones to use replace those two bunk colors. Lemme tell you, yanking out a ton of thread so you can basically start over is a pain. in. the. ass.
Here you can also see the next bottle of orange soda, which has stepped up to brave the Best Orange Soda Tournament of Orange Soda Champions Bloodbath!*
*Bathtub sold separately. Blood not included.
Today’s challenger, weighing in at 12 fluid ounces (355 ml): Empire Bristol, RI Since 1930 Bottling Works 401-253-7117 Made With 100% Cane Sugar Orange Soda!
Let’s check out the ingredients: “Natural artesian spring water, made with 100% cane sugar, natural and/or artificial flavor extracts, citric acid, sodium benzoate”
There are so many things wrong with this. Firstly, evidently “Natural spring water” wasn’t posh enough any more. All those so-called natural springs where the water appears at the surface due to the regular forces of gravity and drainage rather than via the pressure of confined aquifers? Yeah, fuck those springs.
Secondly, “Made with 100% cane sugar” is clearly inaccurate, as we’ve already been told there’s at least some quantity of natural artesian spring water in there. Plus, it’s a bit late in the list to be tossing in that “made with”. Is it not “made with” natural artesian spring water? …is it the spring water that’s made with 100% cane sugar? Someone doesn’t know how lists work.
Thirdly, “Natural and/or artificial flavors” — man, way to hedge your bets there, Empire. “Ingredients: Things, or possibly other things, or possibly no things. We are unsure.”
The bottle is pretty standard. A little shorter than the bog-standard 12-oz glass bottle. Paper label, overcluttered with text but otherwise of reasonably ungarish design. The crown logo on the bottlecap looks hand-drawn. Like, with a Sharpie. Closer inspection shows it to be a for-real bottlecap, though. Weird. I kind of like it.
Smells: hang on, I can’t get it open. It says it’s a twist-off, though…Ah, after some struggle, there it goes. The cap says “OOP! JUICE” on the underneath, which is frankly baffling.
Smells: tangy, a little citrusy. Orangesodaish.
Tastes: Huh. This basically went down like this: “*swig* Hmm. What does this taste like? It doesn’t really taste like anything, but that’s not possible. Even water tastes like water. Heck, I’ve swallowed it already. Try again. *swig* Okay, this tastes… fizzy? Fizzy is a texture, not a flavor. That doesn’t count. *swig* Okay okay, I think I can kind of taste the sugar. It’s a little sweet. *swig* It tastes like lightly-sweetened nothing.”
And then I realized that the only thing you can have in your mouth that truly doesn’t have a flavor is your own saliva. So what this tastes like is lightly-sweetened spit. But, that sounds a lot grosser than it should — it’s your own spit, after all, right? You have some of it in your mouth right now.
Verdict: The very definition of ‘meh’.