IF Comp 2010: A Quiet Evening at Home

So I’m coming down off a major Minecraft bender — I built a huge monorail, which ate my entire stash of iron, so I had to go spelunking to build my stocks back up, and man, once you break into a large cavern, it’s just the entire day gone, you know? But anyway, I’m in a bit of a lull at the moment, with no immediate plans for new building projects, nor drive to find another cave to scrape, so… let’s play some IF, I guess!

Next on the list is A Quiet Evening at Home, which is cool, because playing it means I’ll get to read Jenni and Chris’s reviews of it finally. The impression I got from their conversation in KoL chat was that Jenni was nervous about playing it, because she was afraid it was going to be morbid and traumatic, but it turned out to be merely dull. So hey! I’m in for a winner I guess.

>LOOK
You are in your home. It is quiet. Your computer is here.
>PLAY MINECRAFT
***You have won!***

Shut up, I’m not addicted.

A Quiet Evening at Home is by Anonymous, written with Inform 7 (build 6E72). A Quiet Evening At Home.zblorb is 401 kB in size.

Spoilers begin after… well, it’s anyone’s guess, really.

Media_httpkeithphilpo_bszgd

Man, that search had more porn at the top of the results than you would expect. Or at least more than I would expect; I don’t know about your particular image searching habits.

I was looking at the wrong monitor while the game loaded. I think I saw a ferret? I guess I could re-open the game and find out for sure, but I am kind of enjoying the mystery. Did A Quiet Evening At Home contain a subliminal ferret? I will never know for certain.

After a boring day at work, a slow, annoying commute on the subway, and a tiring slog, you have finally arrived home sweet home.  As usual, you’ve got an urgent need to use the restroom.

Sidewalk
You are standing on a densely-settled residential street in front of a beige house with red trim.  A short flight of stairs leads to the front door

Goal: Pee.
Location: Beige.
Punctuation at the end of the initial room description: Missing.

This game is gonna be awesome, I can tell.

>about
That’s not a verb I recognize.

>xyzzy
That’s not a verb I recognize.

>x me
You feel like you need to go to the bathroom

If my goal in playing this game was to have fun playing an IF game, this is the point at which I would quit.

>open backpack
You open the backpack, revealing a copper key.

>x key
your house key.

gotta go! gotta go!

My (presumably modern) house key is made of copper? That seems unlikely. The short additional pause indicates to me that the game isn’t really sure about that either.

First obstacle in Mission: Urinate: The front door is not implemented as a scenery object, and there is no indication of what direction it is in. It takes four turns worth of flailing before I discover that it is to the north.

Having found the stoop, I have a slight dilemma: Do I stop to check the mailbox and wipe my feet on the colorful rubber mat provided for the purpose? Or do I go straight inside, assuming that my need for a piss really is as urgent as the game is telling me?

>open mailbox
You open the mailbox, revealing a magazine and a Netflix envelope.

>wipe feet
You can’t see any such thing.

>open door
It seems to be locked.

gotta go! gotta go!

>unlock door
What do you want to unlock the front door with?

>key
You unlock the front door.

you’ve got to use the restroom!

>open door
You open the front door.

gotta go! gotta go!

You know, game, if it’s really such a goddamn emergency, you could have handled some of those exciting door-opening steps implicitly. Just saying.

…What’s a “half staircase”? Do it only go halfway to the basement?*

Okay, well, I found a bathroom. There doesn’t appear to actually be a toilet in here, and I’m not having much success guessing the verb necessary to use it, if there was.

A Quiet Evening At Home gets a 2. First rule of IF Comp: Do not submit your goddamn “I’m learning how to use Inform 7!” game to the IF Comp.

Edit: Jenni has pointed out to me that the game automatically pees for you when you enter the bathroom. Somehow I missed the message. Will it surprise you if I say I don’t actually care?

Edit 2: I just now noticed that the easy-chair in that photograph is tiny tiger cub-sized! Where do you buy a tiny tiger cub-sized easy-chair? I mean I guess I don’t really know how big a tiger cub is, but surely that’s not a fully human-size easy-chair.

* This is actually a real thing, it turns out, but the explanation isn’t very interesting.

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