Kinder Eggs (7/150) Beaver Attack

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The rumbling could be heard across the valley. A flock of birds took wing as their trees fell with a crash.

“It’s coming,” said the commander, lowering his telescope.

“What is, sir?”

“The beaver.”

The two recruits looked at each other, then back at their grizzled commander, who was rubbing his stubbled chin with one hand while gazing into the distance over the fortress wall.

“Beaver, sir?”

“The giant beaver is the scourge of this valley, recruit.”

“And it’s coming, you say?”

“That’s right, so you’d better prepare yourselves.”

“Why’s it coming, d’you think?” the first recruit asked the second. “Dunno,” came the reply. “Maybe because of all our wood?”

The first recruit nodded. “Ah yes. That seems likely. Beavers like wood, and our fortress walls are made of wood, and they’re quite large and strong. Do you think that’s it, sir? Would you say that the beaver is coming because of our massive, hard wood?”

“Yes, I think that’s quite likely,” said the commander, turning to look at the recruits. “…What’s with these expressions on your faces? Is something funny?”

“Oh, no sir! We’re quite worried.”

“Sir,” said the other recruit, “could you describe this beaver?”

“Well, it’s giant and hairy. And has massive teeth that can tear a fully-grown oak from the ground in one bite.”

The two recruits looked at each other again, frowning. “Teeth?” “Teeth, hmm…”

The second one perked up. “Oh! Sir, if it has giant teeth, it must have a giant mouth, right?”

“Well, naturally…”

“Would you describe it as a ‘cavernous maw’, sir?”

“Oh, that’s quite good,” said the first recruit. “Does the giant coming beaver have a cavernous hairy maw, sir?”

“Well, yes, I suppose you could say that. Yes, it has a huge hairy maw that can swallow a man whole– what are you two giggling about?”

“Nothing, sir!” “Oh! Oh, sir?”

“What is it now?”

“Where does it live? Does it live in that big lake to the north?”

“Yes…”

“So it’s wet all the time?”

The other recruit started laughing again. “Wet, yeah! Does it smell like fish, sir?”

“God damnit, what is wrong with you two? Stop this immediately! Get hold of yourseves!”

“Sorry sir,” said the first recruit, wiping tears from his eyes. “We’re just, you know, extremely nervous.”

“Yeah,” the second recruit added. “We’re afraid of this giant hairy wet beaver.”

“Well, you’d better be,” the commander replied, raising his telescope and scanning the horizon again. “Because when that beaver gets here, it’s gonna rape the shit out of you two idiots. Literally.”

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